By now, everyone knows that having a god as a dad isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Odds are he’ll barely be around to raise you, you’ll spend a good chunk of your life hunted by monsters, and your biological mother will probably die some tragic but noble death. Worst of all? You’ll never know what to get him for Father’s Day.
Much like the ocean itself, Poseidon’s mood can shift from chill to tumultuous at any moment. But there’s nothing more calming than a pet to take care of. Since Poseidon already lords over all sea life, it can be challenging to surprise him. How about a pack of store-bought sea monkeys. Those things can live in saltwater, right?
Frey is a generous, caring father. Just look at how he relinquished his sword Sumarbrander to his son, Magnus Chase (in a roundabout way.) But this means that all Frey has to defend himself in the coming Ragnarök is a deer antler. He needs an upgrade. Maybe a nice goat horn? A ram’s head? The bar is so low, you can’t go wrong!
As the host of Osiris, this dad really does have everything, including all the magical artfacts anyone could want. But every dad appreciates a good old-fashioned craft handmade by their kid. If memory serves, he is missing his shabti, Doughboy. For this, all you need is a lump of clay, a magic spell, and . . . a backup plan in case the cute little figurine goes crazy and tries to kill you.
Speaking of working with your hands, Hephaestus is the kind of dad you can always find in the garage, building or fixing something, and staying out of the sunshine. Sounds like someone who needs the spa treatment. And if you can’t find a licensed masseuse willing to dig into his lumpy, deformed body, do it yourself! Just go easy on the face.
Can you imagine how obnoxious it must be to reign over the Underworld? Every day, new dead souls roll into Hades’s home, complaining “Where am I?” “What’s going on?” “Where’s my family?” So annoying! We can’t think of a better use of noise-cancelling headphones. Get him a pair in basic black and you’re sure to win brownie points with the god of death.
If you have any ideas for what to get your godly father this year, let us know!
Note: Upon further research, we have discovered that sea monkeys are in fact, just teeny tiny brine shrimp. Don’t blame us for the false advertising.