Labor Day weekend is over, camps are closed for the season, and demigods across the world are returning to class. Transitioning from a summer vacation filled with epic quests, monster battles, and superpowered capture-the-flag tournaments to mundane school life can be a challenge.
Thankfully, some of our favorite gods have decided to make the transition easier by offering some advice on how to make the most out of a new school year.
“On the first day of school, find the biggest kid in class and challenge them to a battle. If the first day has already passed, or if the kid has already beat you up, keep trying. Over and over again until you win. Or until you can’t walk anymore, whichever comes first.”
“Remember, you’re not at school to make friends. You’re there to get an education. Study as hard as you can and ignore your peers. Unless, of course, you see that someone is getting better grades than you. In that event, I suggest you befriend that person to learn the secrets of their success. Once you have mastered their techniques, you can promptly end the friendship and go back to concentrating on your studies full time.”
“If your school doesn’t have a dress code, may I recommend introducing more Hawaiian shirts into your wardrobe? You’ll instantly be the coolest kid on campus and be invited to all the best parties. Just ask any of my friends.”
[Be advised, Poseidon’s current squad is made up of baby boomer retirees.]
“If you haven’t spent the summer planning your campaign for student body president, training to become captain of your sports team, or memorizing your lines for the lead role in the school play, you have already failed to secure a successful school year for yourself. Ideally, you have worked to accomplish all three at once.”
“Reevaluate your surroundings. Don’t fill your head with useless knowledge. No classroom lesson is more valuable than what you can learn in the wilderness by using your wits alone. Is this ‘Pythagorean theorem’ (whatever that may be) going to teach you how to survive an encounter with a hungry bear? I don’t think so.”
“My one bit of advice: Don’t even think of disrespecting any of your female or gender-non-conforming classmates. Trust me. I will be watching.”
“Only those who valiantly throw themselves in the path of an oncoming dodgeball in order to protect their teammates will be permitted to enter Valhalla.”
“Best to start planning your senior prank as early as possible. Just think about how stinky those eggs will be by the end of the year if you buy them now. Ooh, I’m getting a vicarious thrill just thinking about it.”
“But as soon as your broken bones heal, challenge them to another fight!”
[Please note: None of these gods has ever gone through any formal schooling of their own, so their expertise on this subject is highly suspect.]