These days, it seems like everyone is getting lost in the wilderness with very few supplies and no hunting equipment. In fact, sometimes they’re even doing it on purpose!
Have you been caught up in the hot new trend of venturing out in the woods alone to see if you can outlast your friends? Are you itching for that grand prize? Or are you just itching because you accidentally sat in a patch of poison ivy? Either way, the Hunters of Artemis are here with their expert advice on how to stay alive, beat out the competition, and (hopefully) maintain your dignity while covering yourself in mud and eating tree bark.
“The first thing you’re going to want to do is pray to me for guidance. Bonus points if you also offer me tribute. I’ll do what I can to make sure you stay alive. That said, I am very busy right now, so I may not be able to get to your request in a timely manner. And no offense, but if you’re a man, I may just ignore your prayers altogether . . .
“Aside from that, I suppose you should find some way to build some shelter. I hear that’s important for mortals.”
“Speaking as someone with experience, you can always rely on trees. You can climb one to get a better view of your surroundings. You can use branches when building a shelter and rest in their shade of after a long day. Occasionally you can even eat bark for sustenance. In short, a tree can be your best friend.
“And just as a heads up, if any of those trees eventually reveal themselves to be a long-lost sister or something, you’d better not forget their birthday or they’re going to be really upset.”
“Let me speak on behalf of the animals for a moment: They don’t want you in the woods messing up their natural habitat! I’ve spoken to plenty of bears in my time, so believe me when I tell you that they don’t want to eat you, but they will if they must.”
From the records of Zoë Nightshade:
“Boil your water, sharpen your tools, build a snare, and don’t waste daylight crafting comfort items. And most important, never lose faith in yourself. You’re stronger than you think.
“Oh, wait. No. That is not the most important thing. The most important thing is: Do NOT listen to any braindead demigod who asks for help in getting his ‘golden apples.’ Just ignore the slob or your life WILL be ruined forever.”
“You mean to tell me that non-demigods willingly head into the wilderness without sufficient gear? And I thought Apollo had brain damage. Oh, well. I’ll just tell you what I tell everyone: Always aim for the kneecaps.”
“It amuses me that you mortals think yourselves capable of surviving in my domain. Don’t you know that I maintain complete dominion over all untamed land? You may believe yourselves to be strong enough to brave these harsh elements, but always remember this: I am the final arbiter over your meager lives. . .
“So, I would definitely recommend you layer up. It does get very chilly this time of year. Especially at night. Oh, and perhaps pack those little hand warmer things. Maybe invest in some long underwear?”
Which Hunter would you choose to help keep you alive lost in the wilderness? Be sure to let us know!