Wait! Before you click ‘buy now’ on that lame house plant or scented candle, check out these shopping tips from your favorite gods and demigods. With their help, you’ll avoid those basic, bland gifts for the people on your list and finally learn how to make this holiday season worthy of eternal glory!
“Do you have a tiny mortal friend in your life? I do. Which is why I’m giving her a gold-plated booster seat this season. Now she can sit tall and finally stop complaining about people blocking her view at the movies.”
“The wise thing would have been not to wait so long to do your holiday shopping. The wiser thing would be to recognize that quality time spent with your loved ones is the greatest gift of all. The wisest thing would be . . . purchasing a Ninja blender, perhaps? I hear they’re more powerful than ever these days, and I do love a good smoothie.”
“As a broke college student, I can’t really afford to buy my friends anything for the holidays this year. So instead, I’m offering free hippocampus riding lessons. Bring your own motion sickness band.”
“From what I can tell, the Egyptian gods aren’t as big on gift-giving as the Greeks and the Romans are. What do you give a guy like Horus anyway? He already has everything he could ever possibly want. Except maybe control of my body again, which is not going to happen.”
“The greatest gift you can give me is to stop asking me to portray Santa Claus in the lobby of the Empire State Building. My beard isn’t white. My suit isn’t red. The pantheon doesn’t even celebrate Christmas! I would never suffer such indignities . . . a second time. Not after all that shin-kicking.”
“Whatever you choose to give someone this year, make sure it is of equal value to the gift you expect to receive. Otherwise, there will be no justice this holiday season. And if you try regifting a fruitcake, prepare to face eternal punishment!”
“It’s not easy to save money while in college, but thanks to some smart decisions, I was finally able to afford the perfect gift for Percy. I’ll give you a hint. It rhymes with ‘Waystation.’”
“That booster seat better not be for me! I’m still growing! Maybe I’ll get him some acne cream as a reminder of what it was like when he was a tiny mortal.”
“I love Percy, but I’m really hoping I don’t get another offer of some kind of free lessons this year. I worked really hard to save up for a new PlayStation for him . . .”
“No justice! No justice at all! Percy Jackson must suffer for his crimes!”
“I just want to borrow Carter’s body for less than five minutes. Need to try out some new dance moves.”
Okay, so maybe this wasn’t the most helpful gift guide in the world after all. But hopefully these insights will serve as reminder that sometimes the greatest present you can give your loved ones during the holidays is patience. May you have good cheer, a merry spirit, and lots and lots of patience.