Looking for high-quality gifts at low, low prices? Look no further than Mr. Pang’s Whimsies, your one-stop shop for unique and esoteric mementos you won’t find anywhere else! Located right in the heart of San Francisco, just off the corner of— Wait, where is the store located again?
We swear we saw it just the other day. Right next to Boba Guys . . .
Well, if you do eventually come across this mysterious shop, you’ll no doubt have a memorable exchange with its equally mysterious owner: the enigmatic Mr. Pang. The guy is a little hard to pin down, so we’ve scoured the internet looking through online reviews of Mr. Pang’s Whimsies to gain a better understanding of the man.
Here’s what the locals had to say:
“Don’t get me wrong, Mr. Pang’s Whimsies is weird as heck. But Mr. Pang himself might be even weirder. He’s a super-short, super-old guy who wears a floor-length golden jacket and an orange Adidas headband. He also had these weirdly narrow and curved fingernails. An odd thing to notice, I know. Honestly, he kind of looked like if you hit the ‘randomize all’ button on a customized video game character, you know?
“And yet, he was probably also the least insecure person I’ve ever met. I just couldn’t tell if he didn’t care about looking like a normal person, or if he didn’t understand what a normal person is supposed to look like. Either way, I kind of respected his style. I guess if you’re going to sell fuzzy ukuleles and sequined tracksuits, you’ve got to look the part.
“All that said, the asking price for the stuffed grizzly bear was totally insulting.”
“I just walked into this store to use the bathroom. But before I could enter, the owner insisted that I ‘clean my hands before entering his house.’ Fine, whatever. But while he was scrounging around in his jacket pockets for hand sanitizer, he pulled out, like, a dozen random objects. A flashlight, a Beanie Baby, and a jar of peanut butter. I swear, this little guy had a whole store’s worth of useless junk just hidden away in his jacket!
“The store itself was the same. Much bigger on the inside than on the outside. I wonder if his pockets have that same horrible, overwhelming smell of popcorn, too. I never did find that bathroom, by the way.”
“For a store with thousands of seemingly useless objects, the owner seemed very paranoid about burglars. He mentioned something about a couple of guys who have been ‘casing his joint’ for years. I told him he should probably invest in a security system.
“To which he responded, ‘I already have one,’ and pointed to a couple of Marshmallow Peeps mounted on the corners of his doorway.
“Well, let’s just say that he wasn’t too happy when I told him he should probably be more worried about cockroaches than criminals. Lesson learned: Never insult another man’s Peeps. Now I’m a little paranoid I’m going to find them under my bed . . . waiting for the right time to exact their revenge.”
“I walked into this store to pick up something for my great-aunt because she finally got her canine psychologist certification. From the outside, I thought it was a cute little gift shop. But as I was browsing the seemingly endless shelves, a freaking BIRD flew out of nowhere and almost hit me in the face!
“The worst part was I couldn’t even register my complaint because the owner was nowhere in sight. Whatever. I was looking for an excuse to leave, anyway. I love animals as much as the next person, but please keep your birds caged at all times, people!”
“Mr. Pang has a lot of mementos in his store, but he’s not one to tell you how much they’re actually worth. Try to remember this before you walk in: just because something is on sale at a low price, it still might come at a very high cost.”
We tried reaching out to Mr. Pang himself to address these customer complaints but unfortunately couldn’t seem to find him anywhere. And his pet magpie wasn’t talking either.
But it is staring at us ominously . . .
If you want to learn the secrets of Mr. Pang for yourself, be sure to pick up Winston Chu vs. the Whimsies, on sale now!