Let’s be honest. April Fool’s Day is horrible, and we’d be all better off if it got canceled. This day is only ever fun for the pranker, never the prankee. And when it comes to the gods, we mortals are always the prankee.
Between their constant shapeshifting, poisoning attempts, and blatant theft of our livestock, the gods are infamous for their signature brand of “humor,” and have been since the beginning of recorded history.
Turns out some of their children aren’t very different. This must be why a number of gods, demigods, and their associates decided to share their plans for our personal least favorite day of theirs.
By the way, we didn’t ask!
“One might argue that convincing several gullible mortals to fall in love with you at the same time isn’t a very amusing prank. And that disappearing from their lives before they all make reservations at the same expensive restaurant on the same night isn’t a very amusing prank, either. But oddly enough, I only hear that argument from mortals, never my fellow gods or goddesses. What’s that all about? Must be some cultural difference I don’t understand. Don’t humans know it’s better to have loved and lost and so on and so forth?”
Rachel Elizabeth Dare:
“I know it’s juvenile, but I always like to see if there are any new demigods I can trick with ‘an incredibly urgent new prophecy they must heed.’ I can only play this prank on the kids once, though, before they learn how prophecies actually work. And the joke usually just involves them picking up my dry-cleaning or coffee order. Don’t ask me how those poor kids almost wound up in Tartarus last year. I guess they just got super lost.”
“Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but pranks aren’t as funny to me as they used to be. Or maybe it’s just that everyone I know is completely prank-proof. For instance, we dipped Clovis’s hand in warm water last year while he was sleeping, but he slept so long, the sheets were dry by the time he woke up!”
“I have been quite pleased with Apollo’s growth and development since I last turned him into a mortal. But I sometimes feel the urge to cast him out of Olympus once more and watch him flail about as Lester Papadopoulos. Perhaps this year I shall do so again. Just for the fun of it.”
“The camp staff have a devious prank in mind for the readers of our demigods-only newsletter. This year, we’re going to announce that we’re plowing up the Strawberry Fields and replacing the plants with, get this . . . blueberry bushes! Can you imagine the reaction? I get the feeling several of our campers may faint right there on the spot. Quite honestly, I’m a little worried we’re taking things too far with this one.”
“If this year is anything like the ones before, I’ll probably have to spend the day trying to teach the harpies that snatching campers in the middle of the night doesn’t technically count as a prank. Why not? I don’t know—it just doesn’t feel like a one. Feels more like criminal abduction. And no, I’m not still bitter about waking up in a disgusting nest at the very top of a pine tree last year. That’s irrelevant.”
“Pranks? Do you mean to say curses? Because I have many, many curses planned for narcissists this April First. Just as I do every day. What? You haven’t noticed the number of mortals obsessed with their own reflections lately? All you need to do is check social media and find people who post updates every five minutes. I’m the one responsible for those fools being trapped on those platforms until the end of time.”
“Well, we wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise now, would we?”
“Let’s just say that April Fool’s Day is our absolute favorite day of the year.”
“We get away with so much messing around in people’s lives. To this day, they still blame their bad luck on random chance! Ha! So clueless!”
“Even after all this time, Magnus still falls for the magical-talking-dog bit. I’m also planning to order a bunch of pizzas to the Valhalla under a fake name. Definitely going to use social media to promote a fake buy-one-get-one-free sale at Fadlan’s. And I’ll be lacing Blizten’s beard oil with pink dye . . . Oh man, I have so many plans. I had to make a whole spreadsheet and everything. Do you want to see?”
Word of advice, readers: Do not go outside this April Fool’s Day. Or inside, either. To be honest, we’re not exactly sure where you’ll be safe from these gods and demigods. Good luck!