Are you feeling stuck in a rut? Looking to make a major life change? Do you feel taken advantage of by the very people who swore they would always protect and care for you?

Have no fear! Thanks in part to the generous contributions from our newest sponsor, we’re thrilled to present an exciting opportunity for any and all disenfranchised demigods.

That’s right, the Titan Army is looking for recruits. Whether your godly parent is a major or minor figure, the T.A. welcomes demigods who are seeking a new direction and purpose in life. No matter your age, power, or experience, the Titan Army doesn’t discriminate. All the Titans ask for are people who possess a clear mind, an open heart, and an unflinching commitment to destroying those horrible, no-good Greek gods once and for all.

However, with so much disinformation out there about the true goals and ethics of the Titan Army, the organization understands that certain demigods may be hesitant to hop aboard. So, in addition to sharing with our readers the amazing, life-changing benefits of joining the Titans, we also want to set the record straight on what they really stand for. And what better place to start than at the very top?

Trusted Leadership

The undisputed leader of the Titan Army is a deity who goes by many names. The god of Time. The Titan King. The Titan Lord (for when he’s feeling extra fancy). The Crooked One. The dude with the appetite.

We’re of course talking about the man of the hour, the man of every hour, Kronos! And this guy’s accomplishments speak for themselves. He escaped from the pits of Tartarus at a young age. He overthrew his corrupt father, Ouranos, and ushered in the legendary Golden Age of the Titans.

Kronos took accountability for his own corrupt and ungrateful children by heroically devouring them all whole. And finally, he escaped from Tartarus again after those same children threw a major hissy fit.

But we shall refrain from completely whitewashing the past. The Titan Army did lose a couple of minor skirmishes with the Greek gods. You may have heard about the disappointing conclusion of the Titanomachy, aka the First Titan War, in which Zeus and the other Olympians took their undeserved place as rulers of the universe. A dark and tragic turn of events not only for the valiant Titans but also for humanity.

But Kronos hasn’t given up hope. He is fully committed to his fatherly duties and will never give up his dream of permanently grounding his nasty children. All that he needs—and what he was missing during the first Titanomachy—are soldiers who are equally dedicated to the cause. Soldiers like you! Just remember, Kronos gets first dibs on whatever’s served during the victory feast. It’s only fair. (And trust us, you’re probably going to want to bring a snack from home instead anyway.)

Plenty of Opportunities for Non-Combatants

But the Titan Army is looking for more than just cannon fodder. Er, we mean frontline soldiers. Demigods who defect to the Titan Army can help the cause in many different ways. Perhaps you’d like to engage in some light, subversive spycraft and help recruit other potentially like-minded demigods who don’t quite fit in at Camp Half-Blood.

Or maybe you’d like to avoid the drama and the violence altogether. The Titan Army could always use more domestic volunteers at their Mount Othrys headquarters. After all, someone needs to take the Hellhounds out for their nightly walks. And the Minotaur’s underwear doesn’t wash itself!

And if dog walker and laundry officer don’t sound like the most glamorous jobs in the universe, just think of all the wonderful experiences you’ll receive simply by being in the same vicinity as your favorite Titan champions.

That’s right. After joining the Titan Army, you can mingle and schmooze with such A-listers as Oceanus, the one true god of the sea; Prometheus, whose most famous work is literally fire; and Nemesis, the rare Greek god who isn’t a total hypocrite. And just you wait until Atlas is freed from holding up the sky and Iapetus finally comes back to his senses. Boy, do those guys know how to party!

Even the monsters who work with the Titan Army, such as the giants, the cyclopes, and the harpies, are super friendly once you get to know them (and present a blood sacrifice in their honor). Or at the very least, we promise that they’ll make the effort to remember your name. Which is more than we can say for the staff at Camp Half-Blood.

Taking Part in a Vision for a Kinder, Gentler World

And speaking of Camp Half-Blood, let’s be honest for a moment about what exactly they expect from demigods: complete subservience to the Olympians, no questions asked.

And for what purpose? The ability to go on dangerous, unsupervised quests for reasons you’ll never fully understand? The privilege of getting your head dunked in the toilet by the children of Ares? The opportunity to be chastised and insulted by Mr. D?

The Titan Army shouldn’t have to spell it out for you. Just open your eyes and you’ll see that there is only one correct choice. And you won’t believe the glorious plans that Kronos and the gang have for the universe post-Olympus. With the help of Gaea, the Earth Mother, the Titans are prepared to bring forth a new Golden Age that will make the last Golden Age look like it was made of tin foil.

It will be an age in which the original gods, monsters, and demigods can all live in harmony with nature, as was originally intended. And a world in which all members of humanity are free to embrace their natural position at the bottom of the food chain.

But most important, it will be a world in which Kronos’ grandchildren actually come when he invites them over for brunch. Or at least give him a call on Sundays. Who knows? Maybe this whole war could have been avoided if the young ones simply checked in on him every once in a while. You know, the Tartarus isn’t exactly the most hospitable retirement home for dear-old Grandpa. Just something to think about . . .