Here’s a fun fact: smartphones aren’t allowed at Camp Half-Blood or Camp Jupiter. We know, we were shocked when we first heard that, too.

As it turns out, smartphones can send out signals that attract monsters to a demigod’s location. And here we thought we only had to worry about our phones attracting haters and trolls.

Unfortunately (at least for some of you), this is a hard and fast rule. No exceptions. Not even in the case of emergencies. But what if I fail the lice exam and need to call my parents to come pick me up? Too bad. Nothing a few swirlies from the good kids in Ares cabin can’t take care of anyway!

But, obviously, the greatest emergency facing the demigods who will be shipped off to Camp Half-Blood or Jupiter this summer can be summed up in a single question: How in Tartarus am I expected to spend all summer offline?

We’re sure that, for some demigods, coming face-to-face with Medusa would actually be preferable to putting the phone down for three long, grueling months. And we totally empathize! But rules are rules, and no amount of complaining will change it.

The best we can do is offer some advice for any demigods-in-waiting who may be forced to contend with a phone-free summer. You might want to use a pen and paper to take down some notes.

An Alternative Way to DM

Just because demigods can’t text or FaceTime their friends doesn’t mean they’re completely in the dark. Ever heard of Iris Messages? It’s simple. All you have to do is create a rainbow with a flashlight and a glass prism, toss a golden drachma into the air, and repeat the phrase O Iris, goddess of the Rainbow, please accept my offering. And then—boom!—you’re instantly connected with your demigod bestie.

Just make sure you fix your hair and face beforehand. Because Iris Messages aren’t text-based. Instead, your friend will see your disembodied mug floating in front of them, surrounded by an all-natural rainbow filter.

Could the Iris Message process be a little more convenient? Sure. Have they saved the lives of demigods on the road time and time again? Definitely. Is it a good platform for sending memes to your friends? Probably not.

Are Iris Messages a completely encrypted, secure system of communication? Hmm. We’re not entirely sure. Theoretically, Iris could be listening in on every message you send. And sharing that information with other gods so they can laugh at you behind your back.

But hey, at least she’s not selling your data to advertisers! (Although, you should definitely visit her pop-up shop next time you’re in NYC.)

Recreate the Chaos of the Internet in Real Time

Say what you will about the internet, but no matter what your hobbies or interests may be, you can find some sort of like-minded community on there. And really, Camp Half-Blood is no different.

Worried that you’ll miss those beauty and fashion influencers you watch on TikTok? Spend some time with the kids from Aphrodite cabin and it will be like you never logged off in the first place.

Wishing you could read one of those ramble-y, long-form essays about the spiritual malaise of the unexamined mind or whatever? Just ask one of the kids in the Athena cabin to explain their current manuscript.

Feeling the urge to doomscroll? Visit Hades cabin. Unprompted self-help advice to make you feel better about your miserable life? Apollo cabin.

As for Camp Jupiter? Well, after a week of 5:00 a.m. running drills and marching in formation in the hot, hot sun, you’ll forget about all those silly little interests and hobbies of yours.

You Got Any Games?

Maybe you feel like you need to access your phone for mental stimulation. Something to combat the boredom of those long summer afternoons while your friends are out questing or trying to score a date with a dryad.

Demigod camp has plenty of opportunities for passing the time between games of capture the flag. Chiron and Mr. D can teach you to play pinochle. That’s always a thrill a minute.

Or, if you’re feeling a bit more adventurous, you could ask a fellow camper to finally teach you the rules of the Mythomagic card game. We’re sure that a mentor like Praetor Frank Zhang would be willing to show you the ropes.

That is, if you have the patience to spend at least a few hours listening to him and his fellow fanatics go off on tangents about the deep lore behind each card and share the exhilarating stories of how they found some super special, ultra-rare, holographic card in a random booster pack.

Don’t you know? Half of the fun of playing a game is listening to other people talk about it while they get everything set up. Whoever stays awake the longest is the winner!

Touch Grass. You Have No Choice

Maybe, after hearing all of this, you’re starting to think that a phoneless summer could be even more challenging than you first thought. Sure, you’ve heard over and over again that an overreliance on your phone is bad for your mental health and emotional well-being.

But you’re also painfully aware that demigod camp is no walk in the park, either. You’ll likely face plenty of danger this summer. And not just from vicious mythical creatures and vengeful gods, but also from socially maladjusted demigods who like to torment the rookies.

But think of it this way: if you have already made it this far in your life handling online trolls, haters, and mind-numbing social media algorithms, you can totally handle the do-or-die lifestyle of a young demigod. After all, traversing the Labyrinth or surviving the deepest pits of the Underworld isn’t all that different from navigating any given online comment section.

So, even if you believe that you will absolutely die if you’re off the internet for even a day, all you need to do is buck up, dig down deep, find your inner strength, and remember that you’re the child of a god. You have the power to face any challenge or hardship, no matter how insurmountable the odds against you may seem.

Until, of course, you return to school in the fall, and suddenly you can’t understand what any of your friends are talking about. When did “banana pudding” become a meme? Why is everyone suddenly yelling, “Vroom, vroom” at the top of their lungs? What the heck is the “Puddle Butt Challenge?” Do I even want to know?

In internet time, a three-month sabbatical is an eternity. And unfortunately, there is no coming back from that. But hey, you can always wallow in your cultural irrelevance with all the new lifelong friends you’ll make at camp this year.

Once they respond to your Iris Messages, of course.

Should be any minute now . . .

Still waiting . . .

Argh! They must know that golden drachmas ain’t cheap, right?

How would you pass the time at demigod camp without the internet? Be sure to let us know!