So you’ve been transformed into a mortal. Tough break, dude! No judgment here, but you most likely had it coming.

The big dogs like Zeus don’t just spring the curse of temporary mortality on a god or goddess unless the victim has done something truly awful. So, think twice before you “accidentally” swipe his tuna sandwich from the fridge in the break room on Mount Olympus.

But the past is the past. The only thing you can do now is move forward and try to correct your mistakes . . . once you figure out how to operate your new heavy legs and center of gravity, that is.

We’re not going to sit here and pretend that inhabiting an average human body is a walk in the park. It gets sweaty; it gets stinky; it gets hungry and tired. However, if you learn to work with your new form rather than against it, you may discover that mortality can open new doors and provide you with opportunities for a more fully realized life. Or it can at least help you exist long enough to complete whatever quest is required to earn your old body back.

Accept the Situation; Learn Your Limitations

Needless to say, a god who has been transformed into a human against their will is much different than a god posing as a human. You’re probably used to navigating the mortal world as a smooth operator, just barely concealing your divine heritage with a wink or an offhand comment. Once you actually possess a mortal body, all that natural charisma just magically disappears.

You’ll have to confront the fact that normal human bodies are far more awkward and uncomfortable than the body of a god or goddess.

First, you’re going to want to familiarize yourself with the concept of “exhaustion.” You see, the human body can only handle so much stress, exertion, and overall physical activity before it inevitably needs to rest.

But surely you already knew that, right? I mean, you were paying attention to the wants and needs of the countless mortal partners that you’ve spent time with over the centuries . . . weren’t you?

Sigh. You know what? Maybe the first thing you should do as a mortal is acquire a library card and ask for books about basic human biology at the front desk.

Find Your People

The second thing you’re going to want to do is relocate somewhere safe. Remember, you’re more vulnerable than you’ve ever been. And you never know which descendant of some random king from the Hellenistic period may be out for your blood. You may have forgotten what exactly you did to make the humans so mad, but we’re here to remind you that mortal grudges against the gods can last a very long time.

We’re also going to assume that you have no Social Security number, no bank account, and no license to drive anything other than a flying chariot. So you’d better find a way to scrounge up enough change to hire a taxi service to drive you to the closest demigod camp. We’re sure they’d love to have you.

And even if they aren’t, well, aren’t you supposed to hold authority over that place anyway? Of course, you’ll have to find some way to convince them that you’re actually a god and not some crazed teenage fan begging to be let in.

We’re confident your demigod children will believe you. And if you ask them nicely, they may even let you sleep on their floor and eat their leftovers. Once they stop making fun of you for being a foot shorter than you used to be.

Or Make Some New Friends

Ah, but who needs your ungrateful brats anyway? You will be sure to remember their disrespectful mockery after you recover your full power.

Unfortunately, the most annoying part of being trapped in a human body is the over-reliance on other people.

We’re going to go out on a limb here and assume that you, as a god or goddess, probably haven’t had to worry about food preparation for the past few centuries. Or where to find new clothes on a tight budget.

So, as difficult as it may be, this might be the time to branch out and build new connections with people. At demigod camp, you’ll find no shortage of lonely kids who wish they had a better relationship with their godly parent. Now that you’re on their eye-level, perhaps you could listen to their struggles and offer your hand in friendship. Stranger things have happened.

All you have to do is put yourself in their mindset. And that shouldn’t be too hard. You can remember how it feels to be angry at your parents, can’t you?

Cast your mind back to those feelings of neglect. The impossible standards. The fear and intimidation. The sense of rage that was always boiling beneath the surface.

The chewing. The swallowing. The digestive system. The violent expulsion via the large intestine . . . You know what? As much as we love trauma dumping, maybe you should keep this to yourself. There are some things we humans can never (and really don’t want to) fully understand.

Expand Your Horizons

Once you’re through talking about yourself, your time among the mortals may actually provide you with a golden opportunity to see how the other half lives.

They say that the grass is always greener on the other side, but you’ve known your entire life that the grass below Olympus is demonstrably grosser and more disgusting.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why, though? Certain parts of this planet are quite beautiful. And, thanks in no small part to the generosity of the gods, humans have been granted the freedom to decide who they want to be. That’s more than we can say about most divine beings. As soon as you’re branded as “the god of glassblowing” or some such, that’s it. You’re the god of glassblowing until the end of time. No do-overs. So then why do humans so often succumb to grief, hatred, and violence? Even when they’re not hungry and tired. If you take the time to listen to their questions and concerns, you may learn a thing or two.

Your human body could reveal some hidden truths about your inner self as well. Remember, just because your physicality has changed, or your memories have been altered, you’re still the same god or goddess you’ve always been deep down. For better or worse.

Aside from the loss of your power and authority, the biggest change you will have to confront is other people’s perceptions of you.

You may come to realize that the reason no one attended your latest garden party wasn’t because your invitees were too intimidated by you, or jealous, or were secretly plotting your downfall. Maybe it’s because . . . well, you’re a bit of a drag to spend time with.

We hate to say it, but many people believe that you gods and goddesses are somewhat self-obsessed. Ego-driven.

You talk over people. You become withdrawn and moody when you don’t get your way.

You chew with your mouth open. You never say “please” or “thank you.”

You possess an astonishing lack of curiosity or insight about anything outside your extremely narrow field of interest. You seem physically incapable of loyalty and faithfulness to your partners . . .

. . . At least that’s what we’ve heard other people say. We would never say any of that.

Or would we? Honestly, we’re not sure. The power dynamics have changed. And, after seeing you in your weak and scrawny new body, desperately grasping for respect and dignity, we’re not too concerned about traditional power dynamics anymore.

Actually, we’re not entirely sure why we should even help you cope with mortality. It’s something we’ve all had to deal with our entire lives, and we still haven’t figured it out! So, what else is there to say?

Maybe just: “Good luck not getting trampled by an elephant or something, you shrimp!”

But let’s turn it over to our readers. Do you have any advice for a god or goddess who has been transformed into a mortal? Be sure to let us know!