You have questions about the most-talked-about piece of apparel this side of the Sea of Monsters. We have answers.

Well, not all of the answers. We’re not sure if the Golden Fleece is machine washable, or if it will clash with the purple chinos you received for the holidays. And for the love of the gods, don’t even ask if you can borrow it for just a second to treat your athlete’s foot. (Trust us, we’ve tried that.)

What we can tell you is where the fleece originally came from, what its magical capabilities really are, and why it’s so important to the staff and demigods at Camp Half-Blood.

Wham, Bam, Thank You, Ram

The Golden Fleece originally came from a ram named Chrysomallus, the child of Poseidon and a nymph named Theophane, a daughter of Helios. Another name to add to the list of Percy Jackson’s strangest half siblings.

As the child of a god, Chrysomallus possessed powers far greater than those of an average ram, including the gift of flight. Eventually, Chrysomallus was caught in the middle of a nasty family drama that resulted from King Athamas’s second marriage.

In short, Athamas’s new wife, Ino, desperately hated her stepchildren, Phrixus and Helle, and plotted their demise. Fortunately, Chrysomallus the super ram swooped in and rescued the siblings, flying them to safety before Ino could carry off her plans.

Unfortunately, Helle did not survive the daring escape, and Phrixus sacrificed Chrysomallus once they arrived at their final destination, the nation of Colchis.

But Chrysomallus was immortalized as the constellation Aries, and Phrixus lived a long, full life away from his sinister stepmom. The only part of Chrysomallus that remained was the hide off his back, the now-famous Golden Fleece, which Phrixus hung on an oak tree in a grove guarded by a dragon. Sound familiar?

Gonna Be, Gonna Be Golden

As you likely already know, the Golden Fleece is one of the most powerful mystical artifacts on the planet. Not only are it’s healing properties second to none, but as the product of a god and a nymph, the fleece is imbued with several other impressive abilities, including . . .

-Resurrecting the dead (under specific conditions)
-Neutralizing the effects of toxins and poisons
-Fortifying magical barriers
-Accelerating plant growth
-Curing the existential dread you feel on a daily basis
-Shapeshifting into a stylish letterman jacket
-Causing immense jealousy when your friends see it in your closet

And it can be yours for the low, low price of risking your very life against a powerful dragon that can incinerate you in the blink of an eye. Which is why, historically, when people have coveted the Golden Fleece, they’ve usually employed a third party to hunt it down . . .

The Princess and the Piece (of Fabric)

In time, word of the Golden Fleece’s healing properties spread across ancient Greece. So much so that Pelias, the mad king of Iolcus, hired Jason and the Argonauts to retrieve it from the ruler of Colchis.

But when Jason tried to negotiate the terms of the Fleece’s surrender, talks quickly broke down.

Jason: Can we have it? Pretty please?

King Aeëtes of Colchis: Hmm. No, I don’t think so.

Jason: But you’re not even using it!

King Aeëtes of Colchis: Tell you what, if you complete three impossible tasks at my direction, I will consider allowing you to borrow it. For one weekend.

Jason: A holiday weekend?

King Aeëtes of Colchis: A regular weekend.

Jason: Dang it!

King Aeëtes’s daughter, the sorceress Medea, overheard their conversation. Medea, impressed with Jason’s heroic quest to steal a powerful garment that didn’t belong to him and deliver it to a tyrant, immediately fell in love with the Argonaut.

Well, maybe not immediately. She was influenced by a certain love goddess who shall remain nameless.

But this love, whether authentic or not, did inspire Medea to use her magic to aid Jason and the Argonauts with their impossible tasks. A short time and multiple brutal deaths later, Jason finally retrieved the Golden Fleece and delivered it to Pelias, who kept it in storage in the royal basement, presumably between the mountain bikes and stacks of old magazines.

For their trouble, Jason and Medea were rewarded with a very unhappy marriage, an even unhappier family life, and ultimate abandonment by the gods. But that’s a story for another time.

Catch You Later, Satyr

This is the point at which our admittedly spotty understanding of history becomes even spottier. Because somehow, an obscure figure called Odysseus came into possession of the Golden Fleece, perhaps as a spoil after a slight skirmish known as the Trojan War.

But Odysseus, the bumbling oaf, later lost the Golden Fleece after trespassing on the island home of Polyphemus the Cyclops. Odysseus resorted to base trickery to escape the island, but in the process, he accidentally left the precious fleece behind. And Polyphemus was only too happy to welcome the Golden Fleece into his collection of junk.

Unlike its previous owners, Polyphemus didn’t exploit the Golden Fleece for power, wealth, and fame. No, he used it to selflessly confront the issue of global satyr overpopulation.

As it turns out, the Golden Fleece smells a lot like the satyr god Pan, and therefore naturally attracts satyrs to its presence. For quite some time, Polyphemus used the Golden Fleece to draw out satyrs searching for their lost god. In other words: fresh food was delivered right to Polyphemus’s door without those pesky delivery fees.

Maybe it wasn’t the proudest era in the history of the Golden Fleece. But we can all rest easy now , because, after an epic quest headed up by a few demigods and their friends, the fleece is finally back where it belongs: hanging on an innocuous tree and guarded by a massive dragon.

Dragon’s Flair

The current tree is Thalia’s pine at Camp Half-Blood. And the dragon guardian is Peleus, a very well-behaved boy.

Ever since the magical ram’s hide cured the pine tree of a poison injected by Luke, and it revived the demigod Thalia Grace, the Golden Fleece has remained on the border of Camp Half-Blood, serving as a symbol of strength and pride for campers old and new.

But don’t think that it’s just hanging there for show! The Golden Fleece has helped strengthen the camp’s borders during attacks from enemies like the Colossus Neronis.

We can’t think of a better resting place for the Golden Fleece. Whether it’s a mad king, a misguided hero, a cursed sorceress, a one-eyed packrat, countless confused satyrs, or a demigod who has just woken up from a very long nap, there’s no denying that the Golden Fleece has affected the lives of many, many people over its long history.

And yet, we can’t help but wonder if, despite its healing powers, maybe the Golden Fleece has ruined more lives than it has saved.

Maybe Peleus isn’t just keeping the Golden Fleece safe from us. Maybe he’s keeping us safe from the Golden Fleece. Is the promise of free healthcare really worth the risk?

So, again, we can’t stress this enough: please talk to an actual doctor about your gross, stinky foot.

How would you use the Golden Fleece if it came into your possession? Be sure to let us know!