As we all know, Poseidon Cabin at Camp Half-Blood typically remains uninhabited. And most of us know the “official” reason why Poseidon hasn’t sired many mortal demigods in the past eighty years. Something to do with a no more mortal demigod kids after World War II pact he established with Zeus and Hades.

But of course, Percy Jackson’s existence is proof that Poseidon didn’t abide by the pact. And while we’re certainly not trying to imply that Poseidon has other mortal children running wild out in the world (please don’t smite us, O Lord of the Sea), a closer look at this dude’s family tree does raise a few eyebrows.

If Poseidon’s more recent children are anything like some of his older children, the staff at Camp Half-Blood have a valid reason to keep the doors to his cabin locked. When your bloodline includes any number of sea creatures, Cyclopes, horses, and giants, there’s always going to be speculation about another black sheep. Or ten. Or twenty.

What we’re trying to say is that we can’t imagine Percy inviting some of his half-siblings to crash on his couch anytime soon. And we can’t blame him. Here are five of Poseidon’s weirdest paternity results:

Procrustes

It’s never a good sign when you meet a long-lost brother and he immediately tries to force his sadistic hobby on you. No bonding over shared trauma and feelings of abandonment, just the binding of the body. No breaking the ice, just the breaking of bones. There was only one thing on Procrustes’s mind when he met Percy: stretching people out on a torture bed.

Maybe gaining a few extra inches of height sounds good to some of you shorties out there, but Crusty’s patented limb-lengthening process is neither pleasant nor painless. Or voluntary. To say nothing of the chance of dismemberment.

So, it should come as no surprise that Percy’s first interaction with this brother from another mother (though we’re not sure which mother) resulted in Crusty taking a brief sabbatical from the land of the living.

Perhaps the next time they meet, their interaction will be more peaceful. We can only hope that Procrustes will have learned a thing or two about body positivity. And maybe Percy will realize that replacing his mattress with a waterbed actually is super practical and a sound investment when you really think about it. Come on into the back room, and we’ll tell you more . . .

Pegasus

Far from being the only equine child of Poseidon, but definitely the most famous. These days, a demigod can’t toss a lightning bolt into the sky without hitting a winged horse, but ole Pegasus was the true originator of the look.

Born from Medusa after a different demigod hero named Perseus chopped off her head (we’re not medical professionals, so don’t ask us how that works), Pegasus quickly made a name for himself on Mount Olympus. You may remember his early work from heroic myths such as: That time my loser brother Bellerophon forced me to fight the chimera, or That time my loser brother Bellerophon made Zeus so angry that the god crippled me and forced me to live in his stables.

Learn more about Pegasus’s early years and you’ll understand why he doesn’t associate with many demigod heroes anymore. Though he will still come through in a pinch if it’s absolutely necessary, such as when Reyna needed help moving the Athena Parthenos to Camp Half-Blood. But he’ll only come to your aid if you’re a true friend to horses, winged or otherwise.

For any demigods out there looking for a more committed partnership with a winged horse, you’d be better off with one of Pegasus’s many mortal children, such as Blackjack or Guido. They may be less powerful than big daddy Pegasus, but they’re more reliable and certainly less whiny. (All horses whine, but you know what we mean.)

Antaeus

AKA that one half-sibling who is way too much into wrestling. Or any kind of fighting. Or simply violence in general.

Back in his youth, this Giant son of Poseidon and Gaea used to challenge total strangers to death-by-combat. All so he could use his opponent’s bones to build a temple to Poseidon. And without Poseidon even asking him to!

Unfortunately, despite his strength, Antaeus seems doomed to be an eternal jobber. (Translation: an antagonist who seems super powerful but always, always, always loses the fight to a hero who uncovers a secret weakness.) In Antaeus’s case, that’s his crippling fear of height. Any height. Seriously. This guy loses his strength if he’s lifted even half an inch off the ground.

Seems a little pathetic to us. But maybe it’s also kind of sweet when you realize that Antaeus’s ground-based power is due to his connection with his mother: Gaea, the earth goddess. We’re sure that, despite his challenges, old Dirt Face is very proud of her son for beating up all those random, unfamous non-heroes throughout his career.

As for Poseidon and Gaea’s other notable child, the younger sister of Antaeus, perhaps the less said about her final fate, the better.

Charybdis

Somehow, there’s a half-sibling whom Percy has even less in common with than a horse: Charybdis, the sea monster who bears more than a passing resemblance to the Sarlacc Pitt. But she didn’t always look this way. Back when Charybdis was a child, she was your typical Giantess. Or at least as typical as a Giantess can be as the daughter of the great god of the sea.

In her youth, Charybdis was absolutely obsessed with her father. She was such a Poseidon stan that she started claiming land in his name. Naturally, her bitter uncle Zeus took notice and swiftly decided that she should undergo history’s most tragic makeover.

You can probably guess what happened next. Since her transformation by Zeus, Charybdis has been stuck in the Sea of Monsters, her name synonymous with a horrible choice no sailor wants to make along with her professional colleague, Scylla.

It’s a lonely life. Poseidon doesn’t visit her very often these days (the Sea of Monsters is just so out of the way, you know), and Gaea has never been a fan of luxury cruise vacations.

What’s the lesson here? That ambitious women routinely get punished, vilified, and ultimately abandoned by the gods for no apparent reason? No, that certainly could never be the underlying meaning of most Greek myths.

(Note to selves: be sure to thank the gods that they still haven’t figured out how to detect sarcasm through text.)

Polyphemus

Not this guy again! You may be as sick of this sheep-obsessed serial hoarder as we are, but we do feel his lineage is important to note for one very specific and important reason:

You never know when a monster that kidnaps your friend and tries to marry him is actually a long-lost relative. So, before you start wildly swinging your sword in his direction, take a beat, sit him down for a second, and try to use your words. You may realize that you have more in common than a godly parent. Maybe you both feel a little unseen and a little neglected.

Maybe you both wonder why your father spends so much more time with the children from his current marriage. Why you’ve been left to rot alone on an island surrounded by trash. Maybe you’ll find in your half-sibling a kindred spirit, someone to whom you can confide your deepest pain . . .

Before stabbing him in the belly and rescuing your friends, of course. Soul bonding is cool and all but abduction and forced weddings are still super problematic, so you’re going to want to distance yourself from that guy as soon as possible.

So, what’s the big takeaway here? That a god with dominion over 70 percent of the globe has tons of illegitimate children? That Zeus is the world’s worst uncle?

Or maybe the lesson is that “good and evil” are the products of nurture, not nature. No matter who your daddy is, you could become one of the world’s greatest heroes . . . or a creepy geek who loves torture and waterbeds. At the end of the day, it’s all about the choices you make in life . . .

No, wait. Upon further thought, the lesson is definitely that Zeus is the world’s worst uncle. #justiceforcharybdis

Who is your favorite of Percy’s half-siblings? Did we miss any big names? Be sure to let us know!