Think back on the most recent milestone in your life. A birthday, a graduation, an anniversary, a water slide tester certification ceremony, whatever.
Most likely, you received at least one somewhat disappointing present from a distant relative or a friend of a friend. Maybe it was a gift card for a restaurant that went out of business six months ago. Or a bracelet with your name misspelled on it. Or a coffee maker that requires the water supply of a small village to produce a single cup of espresso.
The next time you’re feeling down about getting a crummy gift from a so-called loved one, you should at least be grateful that the Greek gods weren’t invited to the party. For every special skill, awesome superpower, or mythical artifact that the gods bestow upon their children or followers, there’s always a gift or two that give us the side-eye.
Here are just a few instances of when the gods probably should have double-checked the gift registry before they clicked “Add to Cart” . . .
From Apollo: Meg McCaffrey’s Unicorn
Most children dream of owning a unicorn at some point in their lives. A unique, sparkly, one-horned pony that teaches you about magic, friendship, and glitter, and loves you unconditionally. And most importantly, allows you to flex on those unicorn-less kids at your school.
Meg McCaffrey’s wish finally came true when Apollo gifted her a unicorn in the pages of The Tower of Nero. But if you can see beyond the Mist, you will eventually realize that unicorns aren’t really that unique. In fact, they’re all over Camp Jupiter.
Sure, they’re gorgeous. But they don’t sparkle in real life. And they couldn’t care less about being your friend.
Sure, with the right adjustments, you can ride a unicorn into battle . . . but you will certainly be subject to the question “Does your horse even fly, bro?” from other demigods who are oh so proud of their favored pegasi.
Not to say that unicorns are totally useless. Far from it. Shavings from a unicorn’s horn are often used to cure ailments and injuries. This does mean, however, that if you’re in possession of a unicorn, any random demigod suffering from food poisoning, athlete’s foot, or anything else will suddenly act like they’re your best friend for a spell. Our recommendation: Tell them to find another use for the horn.
From Poseidon: Frank Zhang’s Shapeshifting Ability
Speaking of animals, can we talk about Frank’s unique superpower for a minute?
But before that, yes, we know that Poseidon isn’t Frank’s godly parent. But the members of the Zhang family are descendants of Periclymenus, Poseidon’s grandson and the first mortal to be granted the ability to change into any member of the animal kingdom. Despite being a son of Mars, Frank inherited the very same ability.
And thank goodness Frank also inherited the typical powers and abilities of a Mars kid, because if he were stuck with just this one weird party trick, we’re not sure he would have been part of the Prophecy of Seven.
Obviously, the ability to shapeshift into any animal isn’t the worst superpower in the world. It’s certainly more impressive than anything we can do, especially when it includes creatures like dragons. But it’s also the main gimmick of a completely different team of angsty teenage heroes.
When your comrades can summon tidal waves, control the very earth itself, and charmspeak primordial goddesses back to sleep, your ability to transform into a cocker spaniel looks just a little weak by comparison.
However, in the right situations, this power can certainly turn the tide of battle. Like, if your opponent is deathly afraid of beavers. Or if the giant you’re battling is allergic to bee stings. Or if you have to go undercover and infiltrate an evil petting zoo.
Perhaps we’re being a bit harsh. But when your primary enemies are all-powerful Titans and their followers, the gods granting you the ability to turn into a weasel feels a little demeaning. Also, we’re calling this one out because some gods are weirdly obsessed with transforming into animals themselves and playing tricks on humans. A classic case of a god gifting you something they would like to receive.
From Hades: Nico di Angelo’s Zombie Chauffer, Jules-Albert
Hades is certainly the type of dad who would give his kids a personal chauffeur. But the Lord of the Underworld is also someone who would rush through the hiring process without giving it much thought.
Enter Jules-Albert, the former famous racecar driver and current decaying zombie who operates as Nico di Angelo’s chauffeur. You know, for the kid who can literally shadow travel anywhere on earth.
But shadow traveling can be extremely exhausting. Sometimes it’s nice to just relax and ride in style. Or to treat your friends to a private car that isn’t driven by three old women with one singular eye between them. And, if you can get beyond the smell of rotting flesh and the thick French accent, Jules-Albert is quite fun to talk to. Maybe Hades’s plan to get Nico to come out of his shell and meet new people truly did pay off in the end.
Although Jules-Albert’s role in Nico’s life does raise some practical and ethical concerns. Questions like “Does he need a state-issued driver’s license? What about a salary? Health benefits?
“A psychiatrist to help him cope with the horrors of his fate as an undead individual, unchanging, incapable of aging, and at odds with a world that’s passed him by? How about a dental plan?”
Eh, whatever. As long as he can hit the drive-through before the burger joint closes for the night, we’re sure that Nico and his friends are properly compensating Jules-Albert for his services. Oui, oui.
From Hephaestus: Harmonia’s Beautiful but Cursed Necklace
Here’s a weird deep cut that we’re sure the gods would rather we not mention. Have you ever heard of the minor goddess Harmonia, the mostly forgotten daughter of Aphrodite and Ares?
As one can imagine, Aphrodite’s husband, Hephaestus, was quite incensed when he learned of his wife’s child with the god of war. But not so incensed that he bothered to plot revenge on Aphrodite and Ares themselves. Instead, Hephaestus directed his ire toward a much easier and safer target: Harmonia herself.
On the day of her wedding to King Cadmus of Thebes, Harmonia received a glorious golden necklace custom forged in Hephaestus’s workshop. As with any piece of jewelry crafted by a god, the necklace was so beautiful and magnificent that the wearer didn’t stop to consider the possibility that the thing possessed a horrible curse that would plague her family with misfortune for generations. (You’d think someone would have pawned the thing at some point, but oh, well.)
More than anything, we’re surprised that Hephaestus could be so vindictive. We always considered him to be one of the more level-headed members of the Pantheon. Guess it just goes to show that it’s true what they say: Some gods would rather spend hours crafting an elaborate curse to destroy the House of Thebes over the course of many years than go to couples’ therapy.
From Everyone: Pandora’s Pithos
We’re going to conclude with the first and undoubtedly worst gift that the gods ever unleashed upon the mortal world.
Back in the day, when the gods were still fuming over the fact that some nobody named Prometheus would be so bold as to steal their fire, Zeus and his crew decided that something needed to be done to remind the mortals about the true pecking order of the cosmos.
And so, the gods got to work on an ambitious group project: the creation and molding of Pandora, the most perfect woman to ever walk the face of the earth.
Zeus gifted her with life, Athena gifted her with smarts, Apollo gifted her with talent, Aphrodite gifted her with beauty. Demeter taught her how to garden. Poseidon taught her how to swim. Etc., etc., you get the idea.
After her completion, however, Pandora received two additional gifts from the gods, one good and one bad. The good: an insatiable curiosity that would drive her to uncover the mysteries of the universe.
The bad: a mysterious storage container that should never, ever be opened under any circumstances lest something unspeakably horrible happened to the world. (Don’t act like you wouldn’t be compelled to open the jar yourself!)
Naturally, Pandora’s curiosity got the better of her; she opened the jar, and out spilled all the most evil, nasty, and stinky evil spirits and concepts you could only conjure in your worst nightmares. And the worst part? Pandora didn’t even get to keep the jar in the end!
But we can’t stay angry at Pandora. Even if she’d been able to keep her hands to herself, her cat would have knocked it off a shelf eventually.
And let’s be honest: when the gods decide they want to doom us, we’re going to get doomed one way or another.
So, if you ever receive a gift from the gods, even if it seems useless or underwhelming, remember that there’s always a greater plan in play. The gift could be an opportunity for you to become a greater hero or it could be a piece of an extremely convoluted revenge scheme. You just never know.
What we do know is that if you don’t spend at least twice as much money on a reciprocal gift for them, the gods will be extremely upset with you.
What’s the strangest gift from the gods you can think of? Be sure to let us know!