Now that you’ve crossed the River Styx and officially entered the Underworld, it’s finally time to ask the question: So, where exactly am I going to be spending the rest of eternity?

We wish we could tell you where you’re supposed to go next, but the only people qualified to make that decision are the fine folks down at the Judgment Pavilion. Once you arrive, the panel of three judges will carefully review your case, comb over every choice you made (or did not make) throughout your life, and ultimately decide if your soul deserves an eternity of bliss, boredom, or baaaddd times.

Unhappy with their final decision? Tough luck. The judges look directly inside your mind and scan your very memories to examine your moral character. A horrible invasion of privacy, yes, but there’s no arguing against the evidence.

Before you despair, keep in mind that you might be able to barter with the judges for a different placement. And, if you’re lucky enough to still be among the living, don’t forget that you can earn a lot of “good person points” if you make the choice to redeem yourself right before your death.

But more on those loopholes later. For now, here’s what you need to know about the three resting places in the Underworld . . .

If You’ve Been Good

Welcome to Elysium, the final destination for all righteous heroes. Naturally, this location is the closest thing to paradise that you’ll find in the Underworld.
By all accounts, Elysium is a lush and vibrant gated community lined with beautiful houses, golden flowers, and luxurious five-star amenities. That’s right, your eternal reward for a life devoted to courage, heroism, and charity is home ownership with no mortgage payments. What more could you want?

Naturally, Elysium is where everyone and their mother wants to be assigned. But very few make the cut. Demigods are preferred, but even they must be able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are truly deserving of such primo real estate.

If you’re still living and you really have your heart set on spending an eternity in Elysium, here are a few small habits you can start today to increase your chances:

• Always do the right thing, even if it’s the hardest thing
• Always put the needs of others before yourself
• Always side with the gods no matter what the conflict
• Always carry love in your heart and peace in your soul (Don’t make that face! Just do it!)
• Always choose rationality over blind aggression
• Always recognize your opponents as fellow humans (even if they’re mythics)
• Always accept your quests from the Oracle without any complaints
• Always offer your seat on the bus to elderly people or pregnant women
• Never say anything bad about Hades
• Always tip the barista 20%

Trust us, we know that living as a paragon of virtue 24/7 can be exhausting. But if teenage demigods can do it, so can you! And once you learn more about the alternative resting places in the Underworld, we guarantee you’ll wake up every day motivated to make the world a better place. Even if it’s just for completely selfish reasons.

If You’ve Been Neutral

Welcome to the Fields of Asphodel. Don’t get too excited. There’s not much to do here. Imagine a bunch of faceless individuals standing in an ever-expanding field of nothingness.

This is the place where most of the dead are sent. Because, according to the wisdom of the those at the Judgment Pavilion, most people are neither good nor bad enough to be sent anywhere else.

We hate to break it to you, but this is where you’re most likely to wind up. The only solace we can offer is that everyone assigned to the Fields of Asphodel must first have their memories and identities wiped in the River Lethe. So, even if you’ll be spending the rest of eternity just standing in a field, at least you won’t have an urge to do anything else!

Worried that you’ll be just another face in the crowd after your death? Perhaps you can adjust your fate by avoiding these totally neutral habits:

• Never taking a side during any conflict
• Never forming or expressing an opinion about any topic
• Sleeping through a Titanomachy (unless you’re a child of Hypnos)
• Never uttering a witty one-liner after an epic battle
• Only reading books other people tell you to read
• Auditioning for the school musical with a rendition of “On My Own”
• Spending most of your trip to the museum taking photos for social media
• Tipping the barista 15% at most

We’re not saying that these life choices make you completely dull, but you need to recognize the fact that the judges of the Underworld see hundreds of thousands of new arrivals every day. And sending most of these souls straight to the Fields of Tedium is simply the most effective option. You really need to stand out to make an impression.

So, while you still can, be bold and make sure your actions reflect a glorious life well lived. Just don’t go too far in the other direction, lest you wind up in the resting place no one wants to go . . .

If You’ve Been Not-So-Good

Welcome to the Fields of Punishment! Need we say more? The name tells you exactly what you need to know. Did you spend your mortal life consumed with hatred and/or greed? Did your many bad deeds outweigh what little positive impact you may have had on the world? Then get ready to be subjected to a unique and personal mode of torture until the end of time.

Have no doubt that the operators of the Underworld have a sadistic sense of humor regarding your form of eternal torture. Terrified of spiders? Here, stick your head inside this box filled with tarantulas. Hate country music? Here’s your entry ticket to a never-ending hoedown. Can’t stand being trapped in a swimming pool filled with boiling hot tapioca? You get the picture.

But how can one know ahead of time that they will be sent to the Fields of Punishment? After all, very few people consider themselves evil enough to be deserving of eternal suffering.

Well, we know of some actions that will earn you a fast pass to torture town. If you find yourself committing any of the following heinous acts, we strongly recommend that you make a serious change to your behavior yesterday:

• Turning against the gods
• Joining the Titan Army
• Attempting to overthrow Olympus
• Attempting to kill the children of the gods
• Stealing from the gods
• Failing to pay proper tribute to the gods after they ask nicely
• Accidentally spilling a drink on a god
• Impersonating a god
• Insulting the outfit of a god
• Chewing with your mouth open in the presence of a god
• Spoiling the big twist of a new movie that a god was excited about seeing
• Murdering innocent people
• Scamming innocent people
• Murdering innocent people that you just scammed
• Not tipping the barista

In short, limit your evil deeds to humanity alone and you may be able to avoid the Fields of Punishment. But if you cross an Olympian, it’s all over.

Are There Any Alternatives?

This is usually the part when we would tell you that you can’t avoid your fate. However, a select few have been able to barter their way out of a final judgment.

Hazel Levesque, daughter of Pluto, comes to mind. Upon learning that she would be sent to the Elysium after her mother was condemned to the Fields of Punishment, Hazel convinced the judges of the Underworld to split the difference and send both of them to the Fields of Asphodel. (Don’t fret, Hazel later returned to the mortal world when the Doors of Death were unsealed.)

Another example of a demigod narrowly escaping his fate comes from a certain son of Hermes. After he spent years battling the Olympians and their kids as part of the Titan Army, this guy should have been sent to the Fields of Punishment. However, due to a heroic sacrifice at the very end of his life, he now rests easy in Elysium. The judges of the Underworld love a last-minute redemption—but only if they can trust that your soul will remain good and virtuous over the long term.

Exceptions like the above are quite rare, and they seem to be made exclusively for children of the gods. No doubt there will be a long line behind you at the Judgment Pavilion, so it would be best not to waste anyone’s time unless you have enough leverage to barter your fate. If you don’t, you’ll simply have to do what everyone else does: consider and reconsider the moral implications of every single action you take every day until you die. We find it helpful to keep that data in a spreadsheet.

Where do you think your final resting place will be in the Underworld? Be sure to let us know!