By now on your Underworld Tour, you’ve crossed the River Styx, you’ve been assigned a final resting place, and you’re ready to spend the rest of eternity down here. For better or for worse.

But we know what you’re thinking: When do I meet all the famous people?

Well, hopefully you’ve already bumped shoulders with whichever beloved celebrity happened to perish on the same day you did (and totally stole your thunder). However, the real big shots in the Underworld are the dark and mysterious gods who call this place home.

Turns out not every deity lives above Manhattan. Lord Hades has quite a few godly neighbors—they’re just not as well known. If you’re going to be “living” in their general vicinity for the foreseeable future, you may as well learn a little bit about them.

After all, it’s not like those fancy muckety-mucks on Mount Olympus can you hear you screaming from down here . . . .

Thanatos, God of Peaceful Death and Bouncer of the Underworld

Also known as the biggest obstacle in your getting out of here. As Hades’s chief lieutenant, Thanatos’s job is to make sure that once you enter the land of the dead, you stay there. For good.

While not as powerful as Hades, Thanatos really is the glue that holds the whole operation together. Without him around, the entire concept of death flies out the window.

For example, about fifteen years ago, when Thanatos was kidnapped by giants and taken to a bleak, desolate wasteland known as Alaksa, the mortal world was overrun by the undead.

In other words, Thanatos is the only god preventing you—and everyone else—from enjoying an eternal life. Naturally, this makes him a pretty big target for those power-hungry maniacs who don’t seem to realize that immortality is actually a curse. As such, Thanatos been captured, shackled, and manipulated by nefarious forces more times than we can count. So, we really can’t blame him for being antisocial and preferring the cold, dark caverns of the Underworld to the wide open spaces of Olympus.

Yet there are certain areas of Tartarus that even he won’t dare to visit. And we’re not just talking about his mom’s Nyx’s house . . .

Hypnos, God of Being in Bed by 9:00 pm

Thanatos’s twin brother. Another child of Nyx. Much more chill. Much less frightening. Much sleepier.

Unlike Thanatos, Hypnos does spend most of his time deep within Tartarus at the Mansion of Night. Mostly because that’s where his childhood bedroom is.

That’s not to say that Hypnos’s relationship with his mother is anything to envy. When we last saw the two of them together, Hypnos was accusing Nyx of only viewing him as a tool to be used against her enemies. Harsh words were exchanged. Fires were started. It was a whole mess.

But of course Nyx would take advantage of Hypnos’s abilities! His power to lull anyone to sleep (even big Daddy Zeus!) is nothing to sneeze at. His sleeping spell can only be counteracted by consuming at least a dozen energy drinks in one sitting. (Although the resulting heart attack will most certainly summon Thanatos.)

If Hypnos is truly sick of Nyx dragging him into all her petty conflicts with random demigods, maybe he should take a cue from his siblings, find a new job, and finally move out of his mother’s place.

Then again, even in the Underworld it’s hard to find regular employment when you sleep until noon every day. Isn’t it validating to discover that some gods are just like us?

Eris, So-Called Goddess of Chaos

You guessed it: another child of Nyx. But this one is different! At least, that’s what she claims.

According to Eris, she is the darkest, most cunning, and most fearsome of all the gods, in the Underworld and above. Eris’s biggest claim to fame is secretly setting Aphrodite, Athena, and Hera against one another in a competition for a golden apple or some such. Some guy from Troy got involved. The whole thing resulted in a major war that reshaped Western civilization. And all because of this lady and her fruit. Citation needed.

In all honesty, Eris’s story is full of holes, and we’re not positive she’s being completely honest about the whole affair. These three all-powerful goddesses feuding with one another over “who is the fairest” seems super reductive and out of character.

And let’s be honest, when we hear stories about the fall of Troy, how often does “Eris and her special apple” get mentioned? We don’t remember that part being included in the movie . . .

But okay, Eris, you definitely “manipulated all those significant events from the shadows.” We’re positive the gods wouldn’t have kicked off a devastating war on their own without your “sinister machinations” guiding them toward conflict.

Sure, sis. Whatever you say.

Hemera, Goddess of Night Lights

One of the few goddesses who commutes from home. Hemera leaves the Underworld during the day and rises to the Palace of the Sun to provide the mortal world with light and heat, only to return home after the sun sets.

You may have assumed that Hemera isn’t another child of Nyx, but you’d be wrong! Somehow, she is the mother of the primordial goddess of the day. Don’t give it too much thought. The whole thing makes even less sense when you consider that Hemera’s brother husband life partner, Aeris, is the god of the air. The less said about their relationship, the better.

Regardless, Hemera continues to languish in relative obscurity, perhaps due to the fact that Hemera never stays in one place for more than half a day. Or maybe a certain chariot-driving Olympian has already successfully branded himself as the definitive god of the sun.

Either way, the only person who seems to obsess over Hemera these days is her biggest hater, Nyx. As you surely know by now, the all-powerful protogenos of the night has very few weaknesses. Invoking the name of Hemera in her presence is one of them. Even implying that Hemera’s abilities are on par with Nyx’s is enough to cause a total crash-out. Nyx will become so upset that she may forget to annihilate you for simply existing. (Just a little tip for your next trip to Tartarus.)

Geras, God of the Early Bird Special

But who could ever forget Geras, the god of old age? Yeah, that’s right: Great Grandpa gets a god, too. For every goddess like Hebe, who embodies the joy and passion of youth, guys like Geras exist to represent the exact opposite. So, while Hebe spends most of her time at amusement parks, arcades, and music festivals, Geras lives . . . somewhere between the Central Wasteland and the Forest of Curses. We think. We’re not entirely sure. We’ve been meaning to visit, but we’ve just been so busy lately, you know?

And look, we sympathize with Geras the geezer. Getting older seems like a nightmare. Being born old and remaining old for all of eternity seems even worse. But Geras hasn’t exactly taken his godly assignment in stride. In addition to repeatedly calling himself the “darkest and most fearsome god of all” (yeah, yeah, seems like you all make that claim down here), Geras recently took a trip to the mortal world to punish an innocent himbo who was granted immortality by Zeus.

Luckily, Geras’s plan to frame Zeus’s favorite cupbearer for theft was thwarted by a demigod son of Poseidon. First they wrestled, and then they hugged and made up. (In context, it was very sweet. Trust us.) The most important part was that Geras didn’t cause any lasting damage to the org chart on Mount Olympus. So we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

But let Geras’s actions serve as a reminder: As much as we may try to ignore aging and the elderly, at a certain point we must accept that the sands of time will eventually bury us all. There’s no use fighting Geras. Better to embrace him.

Just not this weekend. We’re taking the kids out, and we’re not sure we’ll have time to make the extra trip past the Central Wasteland. We’ll check our calendar. Maybe the next time there’s a Monday holiday . . .

Melinoe, Goddess of Ghosts, Nightmares, and Nepo Babies

And thus, we conclude our tour of the Underworld deities with a goddess who is totally not an industry plant: Melinoe, the daughter of Hades and Persephone.

As with a few other gods and goddesses down here, Melinoe’s title and responsibilities overlap with more notable figures of the Underworld. Yes, she is the “goddess of ghosts,” but her father is the god of the dead, which undoubtedly includes ghosts. She also claims the title “goddess of nightmares,” but have you met Epiales? That demon child of Nyx is way better at crafting realistic night terrors in the minds of mortals.

Oh, but Melinoe is also the definitive goddess of funerals and necromantic rituals! (As long as you don’t compare her work to Hecate’s. Seriously, it’s night and day.)

So, what exactly does Melinoe bring to the Underworld? Well, to be honest, nothing but strife and disappointment. Lest we all forget that she sided with Kronos and the Titan Army against her parents during the last war for Olympus. She wanted more freedom to haunt the mortal world with her ghost army than Daddy was willing to give. Who among us can’t relate to that?

But aside from a brief proxy battle with a demigod son of Poseidon (the same one who wrestled with Geras? Huh. Weird.), Melinoe didn’t do much to further the cause of the Titan Army. Did Hades and Persephone even notice that their daughter had defected to the other side?

We’re not sure, because as far as we can tell, Melinoe was never properly punished for her betrayal. Or at least not to the extent that she stopped riding around on a train with her aforementioned ghost army and haunting mortals on a nightly basis.

Admittedly, Melinoe’s ghost train is kind of scary. She might be slightly more talented in the ghostly arts than her father and some of her siblings. We just can’t help feeling that Melinoe has a long way to go if she ever hopes to stand out among the other gods and goddesses of the Underworld. The competition is fierce!

All we’re saying is that when your fancy ghost train is somehow less scary than the movie about the haunted furniture store, it might be time to reevaluate your career.

Who is your favorite god or goddess of the Underworld? And which one would you least like to run into on a dark night walking through the Poison Meadows? Be sure to let us know!