The OTP timelines we’ve recently posted on the blog have gotten us thinking a lot about love. But they’ve also got us thinking Wow, it’s really hard to meet the relationship goals set by our favorite demigod couples.
So, that’s why we’ve asked the Greek goddess of romance herself, the one and only Aphrodite, to break down some of the many (and we mean many) love affairs she’s experienced over the years and share her wisdom about where things went wrong, where things went right, and how to avoid centuries-long heartache. You don’t need her blessing to find that special someone, but a little guidance from an expert certainly couldn’t hurt.
And for those readers who aren’t interested in love or romance for themselves, at least stick around for some of the gossip regarding the private lives of the Pantheon.
Learning How Not to Share
“Ah, Adonis. My favorite mortal lover. (Not that I keep a tally or anything). As you may have heard, he was physically perfect. Unfortunately, he was forced to split his love between Persephone and myself. So, he and I didn’t get as much time together as I would have liked before he was taken from us. Here’s my advice: If you find the perfect person: make sure they never, ever leave your side for any reason. They’ll thank you for it later.”
Actors and Chocolatiers
“Sadly, the lifetime of a mortal is but a flicker in the eyes of an immortal goddess. McLean, Beauregard, Tanaka, Diaz . . . I’ve loved so many humans over the years. Always remember, just because love burns bright doesn’t mean it will burn for long. And forgive me if I can’t recall all their names off the top of my head. . .”
Love Is War
“None of the other gods seems to understand the connection that Ares and I share. To be honest, I’m not sure I completely understand it myself. What can I say? Why not simply embrace it when opposites attract? Yes, he can be rude, angry, petulant, impatient, judgmental, insensitive, immature, thick-headed, neglectful of his hygiene, [editor’s note: this list continues for a long time] . . . but I mean, have you seen those arms? Enough said, really.”
Love Is Also a Party (Until it Isn’t)
“What have I learned from my time with Dionysus, Hermes, and Poseidon? Sometimes the lovers who seem the most amusing can be hiding a lot of pain and darkness behind a happy-go-lucky facade. One moment you’re laughing your butt off and having the time of your life, the next you’re consoling them as they cry about how they’ve ‘failed as a father.’ But relationships are all about balancing the fun times with the drama. In my estimation, the perfect balance is 99 percent fun times and 1 percent drama. With a 1 percent margin for error, of course.”
Most Importantly, Strong Relationships Need Space (A Lot of Space)
“The way I see it, my marriage to Hephaestus is the ideal that all gods, demigods, and mortals should strive to emulate. We understand each other on such a deep level. He understands that I need space to live my best life. And I understand that he needs his little workshop for . . . whatever he does in there. I’m not quite sure, but I know I can always count on him to be there for me when I return. Because he never leaves the house.
And, at the end of the day, that’s what love is all about. Always being there for the other person, no matter how much time you spend apart.”
Thank you, Aphrodite, for sharing your wisdom with us! We’re sure that our readers will take this guidance to heart.
(Disclaimer, please don’t take all of Aphrodite’s guidance to heart.)