Have you recently been named the ruler of an oppressive globe-spanning empire? Suddenly feeling way over your head? Despite the voices in said head telling you that you’re an immortal god who can do no wrong?

If so, don’t worry. It’s totally normal to feel a sense of imposter syndrome. After all, rare is the emperor who is actually qualified to rule.

But there’s no time to feel sorry for yourself! You have millions of malnourished and impoverished citizens to (ostensibly) care for. To say nothing of the highly organized and extremely powerful military force that you’re supposed to run. Trust us, you’re going to want to keep them happy.

And what about those corrupt and self-serving senators who need to be appeased before they’re gradually phased out of power?

We’re getting a headache just thinking about it. So many moving pieces. So many tiny responsibilities that keep adding up. It’s almost like the giant palace, cultlike followers, and unlimited wealth aren’t even worth the hassle.

But emperors can’t just up and quit. Unless you want your awful, inbred cousin to take the job. You know how he’s been eyeing the throne for years.

Or, even worse, your dereliction of duty could result in the empire transitioning back into a *shudder* republic. And we simply can’t have that.

No, the only way out of this horrible gig is to ensure that the empire is so chaotic and dysfunctional that no one can blame you for being a total flop. With any luck, and if things get bad enough, your reign won’t be remembered as the massive failure. Instead, you’ll be branded as a “victim of the winds of history.” Phew! Legacy secured.

But how to best disguise gross incompetence as abject powerlessness? Simply follow the lead of so-called “great” emperors who unwillingly made a huge mess of things.

This is why we’ve been poring over the personal journals of a few of the most, uh challenged emperors to ever wear a diadem: the sadistic Nero, the narcissistic Commodus, and the totally deranged Caligula. Also known as the three heads of the Triumvirate Holdings organization. Three seemingly brilliant men who somehow failed to hold things together.

What did these three lunatics philosopher kings have to say about the business of running an empire? A lot, apparently. So, if you’re looking to destroy your own empire from within, you’re going to want to take some notes.

On the Rights of the Citizenry:

Nero: “Naturally, my subjects are well cared for. They are given shelter, nourishment, entertainment, aqueducts. And most importantly, plenty of heating during colder months.

“Some have claimed that I’ve provided Rome with a little too much heat. But honestly, if you can’t handle a minor third degree burn or two, can you truly call yourself a Roman?”

Commodus: “Like every relationship, the connection between and emperor and his citizenry is a game of give and take. They give me praise. And I take what I want . . . which is usually the most attractive adult member of their family.”

Caligula: “The teeming masses aren’t so hard to deal with at the end of the day. If any of them step out of line, or say something I don’t like, I simply call for their execution. It’s so easy that I can’t believe I’m the first person to think of it!”

On the Role of the Senate:

Nero: “Ugh! Those people are so annoying! Like, we get it. Everything you don’t like is a ‘scandal,’ or ‘national emergency.’ That I need to ‘answer for my many crimes of negligence.’ Ouch! Maybe they could tone it down a bit? I bet people would take them more seriously if they didn’t use such incendiary language.”

Commodus: “If I’m being completely honest, I don’t think about the Senate at all. That’s probably why they hate me so. I can guarantee that all the insults would cease if I simply invited them to one of my legendary all-weekend parties with the gladiators. But to that I say, ‘Don’t hold your breath, you purple toga-wearing dorks!’”

Caligula: “They called me crazy for inducting my cherished horse, Incitatus, into the Senate. But if they actually sat down and got to know him, they would realize that he’s a wise and sensitive soul who has never steered me wrong with his counsel. As emperor, it’s hard to find anyone who’s not afraid to tell you neigh.

“Ha-ha-ha! I am truly hilarious! The most hilarious god alive!”

On the Subject of the Gods:

Nero: “Gods? Why should I care about the gods? I’m an immortal god-emperor! Which means that I’m just as special and powerful as Jupiter or Mars, and I also receive a hefty discount whenever I visit any of the local bath houses.

Commodus: “Yes, I had a brief dalliance with one of the gods, who shall remain nameless. of course. Because, quite frankly, I’m not even sure I remember how to spell his name. Was it with one p and two l’s? Who even knows?

“It’s not like I think about him every time I’m alone on a beautiful, sunny summer’s day (which is never, by the way) . . . or whenever I hear a poignant piece of music from one of my many private entertainers . . . or when I eat a delicious grape and tears unexpectedly roll down my cheeks.

“Those are tears of gratitude. Gratitude that I have countless companions to while away the lonely and empty glamorous and exciting nights of wine and revelry.

Caligula: “There is only one true god. And his name is Caligula!

“No, wait—I mean his name is Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus. But more commonly known as Caligula.

“And just to be clear, Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus is one name. Please do not confuse me with any past or future emperor named Gaius, Julius, Caesar, Augustus, or Germanicus. Your god commands you!”

On the Most Important Trait of an Effective Emperor:

Nero: “One word: scapegoat! Or is that two words? Either way, it sounds delicious . . .

“Regardless! While the power of the god-emperor is absolute, sometimes accidents do happen. Not due to any negligence on the part of the god-emperor himself. No, it’s always due to sabotage from an outside party.

“As for the identity of that outside party? Well, take your pick! A jealous god. An outside nation. An upstart religion. The options are truly endless. However, the most important thing when choosing an appropriate scapegoat: they must be significantly weaker than the Roman army and the god-emperor who commands it. Thankfully, that’s everyone!”

Commodus: “Trust no one. Consult no one. Never ask for help. Never apologize. Look at the person on your left. Now look at the person on your right. They are both traitors and must be punished with due haste!

“But not until they’ve finished work on the 50-foot marble statue to be erected in your honor. Now, don’t be confused. This isn’t a matter of vanity. No, the statue reveals the greatest traitors of them all: those who claim that the designers took ‘creative liberties’ with the size of my pectorals. They will be the first to feel my wrath.”

Caligula: “What makes a good emperor? Hmm. Let’s see . . .

“An immunity to poison. A willingness to marry anyone, no matter how they’re related to you. A cool hat. Tons of giant boats. An evil great-grandma. A mandate from heaven . . .

“Yikes! Those aren’t unique traits at all! Now I’m starting to worry that the barrier to entry is a little low. Don’t want the riffraff to get the wrong ideas. Someone might decide they too are a god. Better quickly organize another gladiatorial game to remind my subjects that I can never be killed and will certainly live forever and ever and ever.”

Wow, what a treat to get a glimpse into three of history’s greatest minds. We hope you learned a thing or two about empirical mismanagement. You’d never hear words like these from the world leaders of today!

Which of these three emperors is your biggest inspiration? Be sure to let us know!