The holidays are fast approaching. Typically, at this point in the season, we’d be getting all our shopping done. But this year, every time we try to draw up a list, we draw a blank!

Trust us when we tell you that we’ve reached out to many gods, demigods, satyrs, dryads, mythics, and even some ordinary mortals for gift-giving suggestions, but none of them have been particularly useful. Nectar? Ambrosia? Chariot polish? Boring! And totally impersonal.

Then we remembered the most conscious consumer we know. Anyone who has had the pleasure of visiting Polyphemus’s Island can attest to the fact that his home is filled with loads of wonderful collectables and décor. You can’t deny that this guy has an eye for style.

If anyone can provide us with tips on how to make this holiday season one to remember, it’s him! Here’s his advice, straight from the giant’s mouth.

Pay Attention to Their Passions . . .

“You think I’m stupid, don’t you? You think everything I say will be ‘Buy sheep shirt, buy sheep mug, buy sheep pillow.’

“Ha-ha! Joke’s on you! I’m not dumb! I know that not all caves are filled with sheep décor. Only Cyclopes with exquisite taste can appreciate the elegance of the sheep. I know that puts me in rare company.

“Your puny friends and family likely don’t have the eye for beauty and class like I do! So don’t waste your time buying them stuff you would like to receive. Bad decision! If they like horses, get them horse stuff. If they like frogs, get them frog stuff. Just don’t give that junk to me!”

But Don’t Make Any Bold Assumptions

“And don’t give me some other piece of junk because you thought I would like it. This happens too many times!

“Oh, your tiny brain thought I would like this board game because there’s a picture of a sheep on the box?

“Wrong! I hate this game! You should have just given me another sheep! Yes, I will keep the box, obviously. But the rest of the game goes directly into the trash. Also, get a new hobby!”

Find a Gift They Didn’t Know They Needed . . .

“This is something else that always happens. You go visit someone’s cave, and you discover it’s an ugly, disgusting mess. No art on the walls. No collectible figurines. No bones on the floor. No big boulder by the entrance. Too much natural light coming in.

“And why don’t they have a television? Mine doesn’t work, but it ties the room together!

“Get the dumb slobs something that will make their home look nice for once. A sheepskin rug. Or a sheepskin lamp. Or lambskin lamp. Or a lambskin sheep. Or a—

“Yes, I know I said that I wouldn’t only talk about sheep-themed gifts! These are theoretical examples, not recommendations! I’m not stupid!”

But Not Something Obvious

“If someone is getting married soon, wait until the wedding to buy them something nice. Look at the registry, dummy! Don’t buy husband and wifey a blender for the holidays if they’re already going to get one in a few months!

“Your useless kid is going to graduate from some dumb school next year? Your friend is expecting an ugly baby? Wait for those big moments! In the meantime, get them a gift card or a tree ornament or something small in the meantime.

“Unless . . . maybe the wedding doesn’t happen for some reason or another . . . *sniff*. . .

“If that happens, your friend will need more presents than ever! Buy out the entire registry and ship everything to their cave! And visit them often so they don’t have to use all that stuff by themselves! Stay forever! In fact, maybe you could be the new wifey!

“Maybe you should be the new wifey! It’s not like you have anything better to do.”

Beware of Scams

“Dumb people like Nobody always try to scam me during the holiday season. And before the holiday season! And after!

“When ordering a new sheep, always make sure it is legitimate and not some nasty kids pretending to be a sheep! This can be very hard to do! Especially if they have already infiltrated your flock. Artificial sheep technology has become very advanced in recent years, but I’ve had to develop a strong eye to tell the difference between the real stuff and the fake stuff. This is probably true for other animals, too.

“If you notice that your sheep has suddenly gained weight, or it makes a weird sound when you say that it looks tasty, these are signs that you should double-check your purchase.

“But remember, fake sheep aren’t always a bad thing. Especially if they’re plump and juicy!

“This reminds me: food is the easiest and greatest gift of all. Cyclopes love food; sheep love food; mortals love food. Whether it’s satyr meat, sheep meat, demigod meat, my special mystery meat, or this brand-new trendy dish that I discovered all by myself: mango chutney!”

And of Course, Keep the Best Thing for Yourself

“Sometimes when you’re scavenging for new gifts, you come across something so shiny, golden, and beautiful that you decide that you can never share with anyone. Not even with wifey.

“Remember, prioritize your own collection before building anyone else’s! You may want to give the shiny thing to the person you love the most . . . but take it from me, *sniff* sometimes those people leave you! Or betray you! Or take advantage of you and trick you into thinking they’re something they’re not!

“Or worst of all, they sneak nasty, cruel people (and a traitorous Cyclops) into your home so they can steal your most prized possession! But it was mine! All mine! They had no right to ruin my wedding and try to steal it from me!

“But I made them pay in the end. Ha-ha! Polyphemus made Nobody pay!

“So, if you see a golden shiny blanket thing floating in the ocean, just remember that I am its rightful owner. And I would really like it back, please.”

Still looking for more gift ideas this season? See more of Polyphemus’s awe-inspiring (or is it ‘ewe-inspiring?’) collection in Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Sea of Monsters!