A Special Welcome Message for Demigods of Cabin Five:

Attention new campers: To fully prepare for Camp Half-Blood, you must prepare yourself for war. Just ask the tough-as-nails demigods of Cabin Five. They’ll happily remind you just how dangerous the life of a demigod is, how merciless your enemies can be, and the importance of always being ready for battle. They’ll usually do this while they’re hoisting your underwear up the flagpole.

It’s easy for new arrivals at Camp Half-Blood to view the children of Ares as a bunch of hyper, competitive, aggressive, insensitive bullies. But that’s because they’re the only group at camp that fully realizes the truth: Summer break isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s about intense physical training, combat readiness, and absolutely demolishing every other cabin in games of capture the flag.

Like it or not, the odds that you will be drafted into a deadly quest or conflict this summer are high, and the odds that you’ll survive said quest or conflict are low.

So, if you’re assigned to Cabin Five, you better toughen up and shut up. Because every activity this summer requires a warrior’s spirit.

You’ll need strength to avoid burning the roof of your mouth on S’mores Night. You’ll need a sharp mind to stay on beat during sing-alongs. You’ll need courage not to wet yourself while listening to scary ghost stories by the campfire. And you’ll need resilience to cope with a slight sense of homesickness while writing a letter home to Mom.

Not to worry, though. Even if you’re a total wimp, the children of Ares will drill these traits into you long before the summer is through. Quickly and painfully.

What’s Inside Cabin Five:

-Weights

-Explosives

-A huge boombox blasting death metal 24/7

-Barbed wire

-A mysterious odor that we can’t quite source

What You Should Pack:

-Armor and armaments

-Earplugs

-Nose plugs

-Toothbrush

What You Shouldn’t Pack:

-Books. What are you, some kind of nerd? We already have a copy of the only book we’ll ever need: The Art of War. It’s around here somewhere. . . .

-Bed sheets. New arrivals sleep on the floor. If we hear you complaining about it, you’re sleeping outside. No tent either.

-Anything cute or fluffy (That junk is going directly in the incinerator at Cabin Nine.)

Meet Your Head Counselor, Sherman Yang:

“Ugh. They dragged me away from the three-legged death race for this?

“Welcome to Cabin Five or whatever. Drop your bags anywhere. Hope you didn’t bring any valuable personal items. Our cabin tends to blow things up. Speaking of which, you probably shouldn’t get too close to those metal discs on the front lawn. . . .

“A few basic cabin rules: All training sessions are mandatory. Daily war games are mandatory. Sacrificing red meat to Dad before dinner is mandatory. Skipping mental health counseling is mandatory.

“If you can’t keep up, you’ll get left behind. Don’t expect anyone to hold your hand or slow down so you can catch your breath. If you cry, or whine, or complain about anything at all, you’ll get tossed in the lake. Oh, and lights out is whenever we feel like calling it.

“We’re ‘strongly discouraged’ from going on quests assigned to other demigods. So, you know, try not to get caught if you sneak out past curfew.

“One last thing: Chiron asked that I read you the following statement: ‘In order to cultivate a more harmonious and accommodating environment at Camp Half-Blood, all campers of Cabin Five are hereby strictly prohibited from engaging in their “Initiation Ceremony” for new arrivals. In addition to being cruel, humiliating, and lacking in the honor expected from the children of the gods, the practice is also extremely unsanitary. The washrooms are not designed for horseplay.’

“Blah, blah, blah. In other words, if you catch any of us dunking someone’s head into a toilet, keep it to yourself. I shouldn’t have to tell you what happens to snitches.

“But hey, if you stay on your best behavior, maybe we’ll let you take point and lead an Initiation Ceremony someday.

“Until then . . . well, I guess I should probably give you a firsthand demonstration before heading back to the race. Be sure to hold your breath, bro!”

Are you a child of Ares? If so, what are you packing for your stay in Cabin Five? Be sure to let us know!